The Pleasure Seeker

One of the more awkward aspects about my current job is the fact that people ask for my advice about literally everything. What I really mean by this is that nothing is too obscure or inappropriate. From time to time, guests think that they can confide absolutely anything in me and ask me for very personal favors. I'm sure that you can see where this is gravitating.

I should have given this particular guest more credit, he ended up being downright shocking. The final conversation ended with me speechless. Most of the more terrifying scenarios end with me having to collect my thoughts for a few seconds before I attempt to assist said guest any further.

Let's Tarantino this for a second; I have told you the ending to my story, let's reverse just for kicks.

Ok, so here's what went down. A gentleman came up to my desk one afternoon about 2 months ago. Because I am a self-professed professional nickname creator, let's refer to him as Johnson. Hilarity ensues at the double entendre. So Johnson seems perfectly normal if not a little aloof when I am talking to him. After about 40 minutes of parlance, Johnson admits to me that he's going through a difficult divorce and he is basically visiting our city to escape his horrific ex that's "taking him to the cleaners" as he put it. I can't help but feel a bit of empathy for the guy. Being dumped is one thing but being dumped by a vengeance-seeker is a horse of a different color. So I'll admit it, I feel a little sorry for the guy. Not sorry enough, however, to carry out his next request. This consists of him inviting me to join him for a dinner date, something that by force of habit I decline. Only on very rare occasions do I believe that it is appropriate to "fraternize" with guests off company property. Especially on a date with a freshly-heartbroken older gentleman. He is probably in his mid fifties, by the way. This is a little awkward for me seeing as how I'm fully aware that he is older than my father and he probably has no idea nor any regard for how old (or more appropriately, young) I am.

So back to the story. Johnson asks, I politely say no. His response to my declining his generous offer is to ask me if I have any friends that would like to join him for dinner. His exact words are "I'm not exactly looking for a $1000 date or anything but if one of your girlfriends would like to go out, I'd take very good care of her." At this point, I freeze and figuratively scratch my head for a moment. Is he asking me to whore out one of my friends? To set up one of my fun, cute, friendly, charming girlfriends with a certifiably creepy guest of ours that she has never met? That's not awkward at all. Part of me felt like saying "Well sure, but I require a finder's fee. Hookers are a hot commodity and not easy to find outside of Vegas." At this point, I'm definitely aware of what the next step is.

"Do you know a number I could call for a date if none of your girlfriends want to go?"

This is not the first time that I have been asked something along those lines but this is definitely the first time that I was considered a "first pick" above a prostitute. Hats off to you dear, classy Johnson. I'm happy to know that there are at least some men that desire me enough to proposition sex to me within the first 30 minutes.

My answer to Johnson is: "I'm sorry, and in no way do I mean to sound insulting, but I don't feel comfortable doing that. If you don't want to have dinner alone, there are plenty of restaurants that have beautiful bars that serve the restaurants' full menus. I do that myself when I go out for dinner alone. Is there anything else I can assist you with tonight?" It was the most polite way I could think to diffuse the situation without making him uncomfortable. It seemed to work for a short while. He stood up, politely thanked me, and walked over to our lounge. I go back to work for a few hours though I'm still laughing about the whole situation. It's a little ridiculous but I've had plenty more awkward incidents in my life. Like the following incident.

I walk into the lounge to say hi to one of my friends that's bartending. Johnson is sitting at the bar. He pleasantly smiles and I tell him a little more tourist information regarding something that he had asked me earlier. While we are chatting, my general manager walks up behind me and joins our conversation. Johnson realizes who she is and goes on and on singing my praises, saying about how I'm such an asset to the hotel, yadda yadda. I'm sure he's doing this to compensate for our earlier semi-awkward conversation. After he's done fully glorifying me to my GM, that's when the verbal diarreah explodes. He tells my GM about how he asked me for a date earlier and I refused. Then he tells her about how he asked me for a prostitute (his words) and how I refused to help him there as well. He is actually complaining to her about how that's the only thing that I have been unhelpful about. She is trying so diligently to be polite to him and she even says something along the lines of "Well our staff is very helpful, I'm sure we would be more than happy to assist you with anything else that you may need". She is awesome. I kind of wanted to high-five her. After we finally manage to extract ourselves from his bear-trap of a conversation (he is one of those lingerers that doesn't know he's a lingerer and you actually have to physically back away in order for him to take the hint), we both run to the back office like giggly little school girls. Here is our convo:

"OMG did he...?"
"Dude, he TOTALLY did!"
"Ughh what a pig?!? LOLZ!!!"
"MEN!"
"TELL ME about it."

Etc. I wonder if he has pulled this stunt at other hotels and how it has, ahem, served him in the past. Not only did Johnson ask me for a lady of the night but he had the gall to complain to my manager that I wasn't as "full-service" as he would have hoped. In addition, this is one of those rare situations where a manager experiences the same creepiness as you first hand. And it is glorious. I will bask in the moment.

Poor lonely Johnson. I hope that wherever he may be, he has finally found love. Or at least a date under $1000 a night.